1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,091
♪♪ [theme]

2
00:00:51,747 --> 00:00:53,227
[explosion]

3
00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:21,211
RADAR:
Holy mackerel!

4
00:01:21,255 --> 00:01:23,735
I'm telling you,
we're being shelled!

5
00:01:23,779 --> 00:01:25,172
Do you hear me?

6
00:01:25,215 --> 00:01:26,912
It's been going on
for a half an hour!

7
00:01:26,956 --> 00:01:28,697
Impossible.

8
00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:30,568
My latest intelligence
map shows

9
00:01:30,612 --> 00:01:33,223
there are no enemy
units in your sector.

10
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:36,270
You are not being
shelled, young man.

11
00:01:36,313 --> 00:01:37,749
[explosions]

12
00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:39,534
MAN [on P.A.]:
All personnel,

13
00:01:39,577 --> 00:01:41,013
stay clear of the compound.

14
00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:42,319
All personnel.

15
00:01:43,712 --> 00:01:46,323
Listen, buddy,
I'm tellin' ya.

16
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:48,847
They've already knocked
out one of our generators,

17
00:01:48,891 --> 00:01:50,588
they, uh, smashed
our water tank,

18
00:01:50,632 --> 00:01:52,547
and we got three people wounded.

19
00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:56,072
Well, listen,
if you don't believe me,

20
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,726
listen for yourself!

21
00:02:02,644 --> 00:02:04,776
Did ya-- Did-- Did ya--

22
00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:07,692
Hello? Hello? Ah!

23
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:15,178
Here he is now,

24
00:02:15,222 --> 00:02:18,225
your star for tonight--
Bob Hope!

25
00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:20,618
Come here, Pierce,
if you wanna see some
fancy needlework.

26
00:02:20,662 --> 00:02:23,491
Not now, Henry. I gotta
control some bleeding.

27
00:02:23,534 --> 00:02:25,188
More suction, Sanchez.

28
00:02:25,232 --> 00:02:26,711
Yes, Doctor.

29
00:02:26,755 --> 00:02:28,191
-Fix that mask!
-!¡Sí! !Sí!

30
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,975
Kelly!

31
00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:31,542
Mucho apreciado.

32
00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:33,544
Major, your hands are shaking.

33
00:02:33,588 --> 00:02:35,329
It has nothing to do
with the shelling.

34
00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:38,245
It's, uh,
my sinus condition.

35
00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:41,465
If anybody's scared, just
let yourself be scared.

36
00:02:41,509 --> 00:02:44,294
You have nothing to fear
but fear itself.
Eleanor Roosevelt.

37
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-[explosion]
-Aah! Aah!

38
00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:49,256
Sanchez, stop that!

39
00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:51,127
Colonel,
your hands are shaking.

40
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,260
Well, it's, uh, Frank's
sinus condition.

41
00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:54,783
I'm finished.

42
00:02:54,826 --> 00:02:56,872
Okay, get a dressing
on that.

43
00:03:01,224 --> 00:03:03,008
How ya doin', Pierce?

44
00:03:03,052 --> 00:03:04,706
This kid's navel's
gonna be a showplace.

45
00:03:04,749 --> 00:03:07,578
BOB HOPE: Here we are
onthe U.S.S. Fox.

46
00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:09,450
Look at this craft.
Isn't this something?

47
00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:11,800
Now I know what they mean
by a floating crap table.

48
00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:15,195
Oh, my God! This man's
a North Korean!

49
00:03:15,238 --> 00:03:17,327
I'm not operating
on any Commie!

50
00:03:17,371 --> 00:03:18,850
Oh, come on, Frank.
Come on!

51
00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:20,635
Well, what did they
ever do for me?

52
00:03:20,678 --> 00:03:23,115
They fixed it so you
could get a nice uniform,

53
00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:25,030
a steady job,
and people salute you

54
00:03:25,074 --> 00:03:26,336
before they get
to know you.

55
00:03:26,380 --> 00:03:27,859
Hold this steady,
Sanchez.

56
00:03:27,903 --> 00:03:29,426
Es que me tiemblan
las manos, Doctor.

57
00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:31,080
Los tiros, no estoy
acostumbrada.

58
00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:32,516
Suction, cha-cha-cha.

59
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,692
Doctor--
The patient's ready, Doctor.

60
00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:36,390
Oh, I hope my
American Legion post

61
00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:37,913
doesn't find out
about this.

62
00:03:37,956 --> 00:03:40,220
They'll take away
your joy buzzer.

63
00:03:40,263 --> 00:03:41,786
-Aw-- Oh!
-[screaming]

64
00:03:41,830 --> 00:03:43,092
Frank!

65
00:03:43,135 --> 00:03:44,702
Get some restraint
on him, fast!

66
00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:46,791
That's it!
I refuse to operate

67
00:03:46,835 --> 00:03:48,880
on that slant-eyed
yellow devil!

68
00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:50,839
Finish here!

69
00:03:50,882 --> 00:03:53,145
I'll take care of him,
you wonderful round-eye.

70
00:03:53,189 --> 00:03:55,278
Where did that Costa Rican
nurse come from, anyway?

71
00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:57,628
The U.N., the little
place on the East Side?

72
00:03:57,672 --> 00:04:00,457
Foreigners! Why are there
so many of them in a war?

73
00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:05,419
Somebody put
this guy under.

74
00:04:05,462 --> 00:04:07,247
Pierce, I gotta get
to the latrine

75
00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:08,422
for about five minutes.

76
00:04:08,465 --> 00:04:09,640
I'll handle it.

77
00:04:09,684 --> 00:04:11,207
I'd rather
do it myself.

78
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,991
Leland! Somebody put
this guy under, will ya?

79
00:04:13,035 --> 00:04:14,732
[groaning]

80
00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:20,172
[screaming]

81
00:04:20,216 --> 00:04:21,783
Come on,
give me a towel!

82
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:23,306
Somebody put a blanket
over that window!

83
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,308
-MARGARET: Kelly!
-[shouting]

84
00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:27,267
All right, keep calm,
everybody.

85
00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,007
This can't go on much
more than forever.

86
00:04:29,051 --> 00:04:30,400
Come on. Give me that glove.

87
00:04:30,444 --> 00:04:32,054
-Doctor--
-Get it on! Come on!

88
00:04:32,097 --> 00:04:33,229
-Margaret.
-Yes, Doctor.

89
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,535
We're gonna
need a lot of sulfa.

90
00:04:34,578 --> 00:04:35,579
We've got plenty!

91
00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:36,928
Somebody, come quick!

92
00:04:36,972 --> 00:04:38,495
-What happened?
-It's Colonel Blake!

93
00:04:38,539 --> 00:04:39,801
He's in the latrine!

94
00:04:39,844 --> 00:04:41,324
Hurray for regularity.

95
00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:43,370
It's been hit!
He's trapped!

96
00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:46,198
-Debride the wound.
-Kelly, I need clean gloves!

97
00:04:46,242 --> 00:04:48,113
-Clean gloves.
-Clean gloves. How you doing?

98
00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:49,680
[patient moaning]

99
00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:54,990
If anything's happened
to Colonel Blake,

100
00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:56,513
I don't know
what I'll do.

101
00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:58,167
He's the bestest
colonel that ever lived!

102
00:04:58,210 --> 00:04:59,821
Radar, I said--
now, what seat did
he usually use?

103
00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:01,126
Left,
on the far side.

104
00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:02,867
Picture window.
Here.

105
00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:03,868
Henry?

106
00:05:03,912 --> 00:05:05,522
Henry?

107
00:05:05,566 --> 00:05:06,784
-[loud moaning]
-Wait a minute! Hold it!

108
00:05:06,828 --> 00:05:08,612
Shh! I heard a moan!

109
00:05:08,656 --> 00:05:11,485
Colonel, if you
can hear me,

110
00:05:11,528 --> 00:05:13,356
knock three times!

111
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,185
If you can't,
knock twice!

112
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:19,057
[two knocks]

113
00:05:19,101 --> 00:05:20,842
Oh, Lord, he's dead.

114
00:05:20,885 --> 00:05:22,104
Colonel!

115
00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:25,847
Henry, you all right?

116
00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:29,851
That's him!
That's him!

117
00:05:29,894 --> 00:05:32,375
His wife sent it!
Stateside paper,

118
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:33,855
for their anniversary!
Colonel!

119
00:05:33,898 --> 00:05:35,378
HENRY: Ohh.

120
00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:38,207
Oh! Watch my other arm.
I think it's broken.

121
00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:40,775
Oh, my. Aw, man.

122
00:05:40,818 --> 00:05:42,080
Careful, sir.

123
00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:43,647
Mulcahy's
still down there.

124
00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:45,083
Ooh. Get him out.

125
00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:46,607
-Come here, Henry.
-Easy, Pierce.

126
00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:47,651
Come here.

127
00:05:50,611 --> 00:05:52,439
Father Mulcahy
was on my left,

128
00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:53,962
telling me about
his sister.

129
00:05:54,005 --> 00:05:55,398
KLINGER:
Here he is!

130
00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:56,660
-Here he is.
-Help him.

131
00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:58,836
-You all right, Father?
-Come on, Father.

132
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:02,884
Sis and I picked up these
apples from under the tree.

133
00:06:02,927 --> 00:06:04,625
I remember I said,

134
00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:06,888
"You can't make a pie
out of crab apples,"

135
00:06:06,931 --> 00:06:08,411
and she said,

136
00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:10,065
"I learned how
in the Girl Scouts."

137
00:06:10,108 --> 00:06:11,849
He'll be all right.
He's just a little dazed.

138
00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,416
She used brown sugar,

139
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:16,767
and the crust was just
so crispy and nice.

140
00:06:16,811 --> 00:06:19,466
Well, it was so good,
we ate it all before dinner.

141
00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:21,076
Get him back to his tent.
Let him rest.

142
00:06:21,119 --> 00:06:23,644
Mommy came into
the kitchen and said,

143
00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:26,516
"What the hell's
going on in here?"

144
00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,431
I remember, Mommy.

145
00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:32,696
You know, that was
the first time I ever
heard you swear.

146
00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:34,089
RADAR: Careful.

147
00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:35,438
Come on, Henry, let me
get a look at that arm.

148
00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:37,571
-RADAR: It hurts.
-Yeah.

149
00:06:37,614 --> 00:06:39,486
Happy anniversary, sir.

150
00:06:40,835 --> 00:06:41,879
Come on.

151
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:45,405
Take that toilet paper!

152
00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:47,581
Boy, this really hurts.

153
00:06:47,624 --> 00:06:49,452
Just be glad it's
not your right arm,

154
00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:51,454
or your career as a surgeon
would go down the tubes.

155
00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:53,761
Never mind that.
What about my backswing?

156
00:06:53,804 --> 00:06:56,067
Anybody got
any gloves? Kelly?

157
00:06:56,111 --> 00:06:58,505
Hey, Pierce, can you
get a Purple Heart

158
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,115
for a toilet wound?

159
00:07:00,158 --> 00:07:02,770
Colonel, was the officers'
latrine really destroyed?

160
00:07:02,813 --> 00:07:05,120
[mocking] Was the officers'
latrine really destroyed?

161
00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:06,904
Gone with
the wind, Frank.

162
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,776
I hate the thought of
using the enlisted men's.

163
00:07:08,819 --> 00:07:10,342
Get one of your
own, Frank.

164
00:07:10,386 --> 00:07:11,605
Go into business
for yourself.

165
00:07:11,648 --> 00:07:13,258
Good idea.

166
00:07:14,521 --> 00:07:15,783
KLINGER:
And another one.

167
00:07:15,826 --> 00:07:17,393
Okay, right here.

168
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,612
Sanchez,
come over here.

169
00:07:18,655 --> 00:07:19,613
Help me get this
man undressed.

170
00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:20,701
Sí.

171
00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:24,444
There's a wire
across his chest.

172
00:07:24,487 --> 00:07:26,446
Don't touch him!
That guy's booby-trapped!

173
00:07:26,489 --> 00:07:27,882
There's a grenade
under his arm!

174
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:29,100
Now, that offends.

175
00:07:29,144 --> 00:07:31,320
-Booby?
-Booby kaboom.

176
00:07:31,363 --> 00:07:32,364
Big booby?

177
00:07:32,408 --> 00:07:35,890
Right. The pin is off.

178
00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:39,023
The wire is holding
his arm to the handle
of the grenade.

179
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:41,156
Pretty dicey.

180
00:07:41,199 --> 00:07:43,419
Listen, we don't have
to risk our own lives.

181
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,377
We have a demolition expert
right here in camp.

182
00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:47,075
Staff Sergeant Benson.

183
00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:48,598
Frank...

184
00:07:48,642 --> 00:07:50,818
this is Staff
Sergeant Benson.

185
00:07:50,861 --> 00:07:52,167
Well, tell him to tuck
his giblets back in

186
00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:53,734
and get back to work.

187
00:07:53,777 --> 00:07:56,040
It seems to me this
comes under the heading

188
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:57,912
of duty for
enlisted personnel.

189
00:07:57,955 --> 00:07:59,522
Oh, really!

190
00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:00,958
Well, they do get
their uniforms free,

191
00:08:01,002 --> 00:08:02,612
and we have
to pay for ours!

192
00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:04,005
Come on, Frank.
We're all scared.

193
00:08:04,048 --> 00:08:05,485
If you're that
scared, get out!

194
00:08:05,528 --> 00:08:07,704
You'll talk about me
behind my back.

195
00:08:07,748 --> 00:08:09,750
Trap, we're gonna have
to do this together.

196
00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:11,099
You cut the wire.

197
00:08:11,142 --> 00:08:12,535
You hold the grenade.

198
00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:14,450
And I'll be in
Scotland before you.

199
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,582
He's moving!

200
00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:17,279
Frank, put
him under, fast!

201
00:08:17,322 --> 00:08:19,063
Hold him down.
Put your arm on his chest.

202
00:08:19,107 --> 00:08:20,151
Hurry up!

203
00:08:22,327 --> 00:08:24,808
[gas hissing]

204
00:08:24,852 --> 00:08:26,462
Man, that's
a hairy armpit.

205
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,333
Probably Italian.

206
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:30,074
[explosion]

207
00:08:30,118 --> 00:08:33,556
[screaming,
shouting in Spanish]

208
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:34,905
Sanchez!

209
00:08:34,949 --> 00:08:37,517
[gasping, panting]

210
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,344
Okay, Trap, cut.

211
00:08:41,303 --> 00:08:42,217
[snip]

212
00:08:44,349 --> 00:08:47,265
Okay, quick!
Towards the minefield!

213
00:08:47,309 --> 00:08:48,876
Aah!

214
00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:55,012
Aah! !¡Ai! !Yo tengo miedo!

215
00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:57,275
!¡Yo no estoy acostumbrada
a esos tiros!

216
00:08:57,319 --> 00:08:59,582
!¡Soy muy joven,
no quiero morir!

217
00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:01,628
I seem to have a foreign
object on my chest.

218
00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:03,368
TRAPPER:
All right, everybody,
cover the wound!

219
00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:04,935
Somebody, clean
this stuff up!

220
00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:07,024
Take it easy. Take it easy.
It's all over.

221
00:09:07,068 --> 00:09:09,331
-No more booby?
-Booby all gone.

222
00:09:09,374 --> 00:09:10,680
George, cover
that wound, will ya?

223
00:09:10,724 --> 00:09:12,769
Gee, I'm busy here, sir.

224
00:09:12,813 --> 00:09:14,554
-[explosion]
-Aah!

225
00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:19,254
I am so afraid.
You no afraid?

226
00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:22,083
You are afraid.

227
00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:23,388
You bet your enchilada.

228
00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:32,397
No, sir, I did not
hang up on you.

229
00:09:32,441 --> 00:09:36,271
I-I put the phone
out the window,
and it blew up!

230
00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:39,840
Reluctantly, I have to admit
that latest intelligence

231
00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:41,798
tells me you are
being shelled.

232
00:09:41,842 --> 00:09:44,235
But there's nothing
to worry about.

233
00:09:44,279 --> 00:09:47,282
You're being hit
by your own artillery.

234
00:09:47,325 --> 00:09:50,024
Well, is there anything
you could do about it?

235
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:51,460
We're being wiped out!

236
00:09:51,503 --> 00:09:52,983
I tried to phone

237
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,594
the observation post
directing the fire,

238
00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:57,640
but they're all
at the Bob Hope show.

239
00:09:57,684 --> 00:10:00,121
Hello? Hello?

240
00:10:00,164 --> 00:10:03,646
What'd you pull it apart
for? I just fixed it!

241
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:06,040
If I ever get out
of this war alive,

242
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:07,737
I'm gonna write a book
exposing it all,

243
00:10:07,781 --> 00:10:09,652
and that guy's
gonna be in it!

244
00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:10,827
What's his name?

245
00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:12,655
I'll make one up!

246
00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,048
Will you put me in it?

247
00:10:14,091 --> 00:10:15,789
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Page 1.

248
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,617
Hot cher-o-kees!

249
00:10:20,228 --> 00:10:21,490
-That's--
-Yeah.

250
00:10:21,533 --> 00:10:22,752
Settle down someplace.

251
00:10:22,796 --> 00:10:24,232
Take a load off your arm.

252
00:10:24,275 --> 00:10:25,320
Yeah. Where?

253
00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:27,061
My tent's been flattened.

254
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:28,584
First time in six months

255
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,412
I get a toothbrush
that's just right--

256
00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:32,109
not too hard, not too soft.

257
00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:33,676
I got teeth like Turhan Bey.

258
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,635
I can't even find
the damn bristles.

259
00:10:35,678 --> 00:10:36,984
Radar, did you get
through to anybody?

260
00:10:37,027 --> 00:10:39,421
Yes, sir, H.Q.

261
00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:40,814
We're being shelled
by our own artillery.

262
00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:42,206
They never miss.

263
00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:43,686
I need help.

264
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,296
The door to the supply
room is jammed.

265
00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:46,776
We're running short
on everything.

266
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:48,386
I'll give you a hand.
Let's go.

267
00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:50,388
Radar, get on the phone
and get some help.

268
00:10:50,432 --> 00:10:51,738
Klinger has to
fix it first!

269
00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:53,914
Then fix it, Klinger!

270
00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:57,004
You ought to put him
in your book too.

271
00:10:57,047 --> 00:10:58,658
Put him in your own book!

272
00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:22,682
Ten years in
medical school,

273
00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,248
and I wind up
a sheet metal worker!

274
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:25,597
[grunting]

275
00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:27,208
Let me try.

276
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:31,778
[grunting]
You are strong.

277
00:11:31,821 --> 00:11:33,649
Where I was raised,
every morning

278
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:36,304
we ran naked
in the snow.

279
00:11:36,347 --> 00:11:39,220
We ran naked in the
subway. [grunt]

280
00:11:39,263 --> 00:11:41,091
Plasma?

281
00:11:41,135 --> 00:11:45,748
Uh, plasma, sulfa,
uh, extra blankets.

282
00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,489
Oh, and Pierce
needs rubber gloves.

283
00:11:47,532 --> 00:11:48,708
Clothes horse.

284
00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:49,796
[explosion]

285
00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:57,499
Doctor, are you hurt?

286
00:11:57,542 --> 00:11:59,327
Just the old
football injury.

287
00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:00,632
Knee?

288
00:12:00,676 --> 00:12:02,112
Hemorrhoid.

289
00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:04,071
I spent a lot of
time on the bench.

290
00:12:04,114 --> 00:12:05,637
We better get outta here.

291
00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:11,556
It won't open!

292
00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:19,956
Come on.
Let me try.

293
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,436
We're trapped!

294
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:31,925
[sigh]

295
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:33,448
This day's been
too much!

296
00:12:33,491 --> 00:12:34,797
[crowbar clatters]

297
00:12:34,841 --> 00:12:37,147
I just can't
take it anymore!

298
00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:38,758
[sobbing]

299
00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:40,977
Come on, honey.
Take it easy.

300
00:12:41,021 --> 00:12:42,370
It's all right.

301
00:12:42,413 --> 00:12:44,372
I'm so embarrassed.

302
00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:46,809
-Why?
-[sobbing]

303
00:12:46,853 --> 00:12:49,681
I outrank you!

304
00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:53,163
Easy, honey. Easy.

305
00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:55,209
-Easy.
-[sniffling]

306
00:12:55,252 --> 00:12:56,688
Everybody thinks

307
00:12:56,732 --> 00:12:59,256
I'm so tough and hard
and efficient,

308
00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:02,912
and here I am,
crying like a baby.

309
00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:06,307
[crying]

310
00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:08,004
Do you mind?

311
00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:09,832
No.

312
00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:12,400
It's the first hot water
to hit my body in a year.

313
00:13:12,443 --> 00:13:13,793
[laughing]

314
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:18,493
You're so understanding...

315
00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:19,537
John.

316
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,978
No! No, please.

317
00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:27,110
Look, we can't
get outta here,

318
00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:28,895
and I sure as hell don't
wanna take inventory.

319
00:13:28,938 --> 00:13:30,418
The door's jammed!

320
00:13:30,461 --> 00:13:32,289
I mean, we've got cots,
blankets,

321
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:33,987
and a lotta extra plasma.

322
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,773
Help, somebody!

323
00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:40,515
Help!

324
00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:42,734
Help! Help!

325
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:45,825
[grunt]

326
00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:50,830
-[sigh]
-[crowbar clattering]

327
00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:52,744
[panting]

328
00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:56,183
All that energy
wasted on a door.

329
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,144
Come here.

330
00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:03,843
[explosions continue]

331
00:14:06,149 --> 00:14:07,368
Help.

332
00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:27,562
Father, this is
a lousy idea.

333
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:29,216
The movie was supposed
to take their minds

334
00:14:29,259 --> 00:14:30,782
off the shelling.

335
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:32,915
Lord knows I tried.

336
00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:35,178
I sent for
The Yearling.

337
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:36,876
A dandy picture

338
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:39,791
about a boy
and his pet deer.

339
00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:42,185
Y-You see, his mother
didn't want him to keep it,

340
00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:45,101
but they became very
emotionally attached.

341
00:14:45,145 --> 00:14:47,451
I know, I know.

342
00:14:47,495 --> 00:14:50,585
My cousin Floyd had
the same thing with a goat.

343
00:14:50,628 --> 00:14:53,283
So, uh, what happened
to The Yearling?

344
00:14:53,327 --> 00:14:56,591
Uh, the jeep was hijacked
by some Buddhist monks.

345
00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:58,419
Monks?

346
00:14:58,462 --> 00:14:59,986
Uh, the driver told me

347
00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:01,813
they'd all gotten
haircuts that day

348
00:15:01,857 --> 00:15:03,076
and wanted to celebrate.

349
00:15:04,381 --> 00:15:06,035
Is, uh, Major
Houlihan here?

350
00:15:06,079 --> 00:15:07,776
HAWKEYE:
Down in front!

351
00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:08,908
[all shouting]

352
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:10,083
MAN: Get outta the way!

353
00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:11,736
Has anyone seen her?

354
00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:12,912
I saw her about
an hour ago.

355
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,174
She and Captain Mclntyre

356
00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:16,002
were running across
the compound.

357
00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:17,394
Well, where
were they going?

358
00:15:17,438 --> 00:15:18,482
Search me.

359
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:21,833
A war picture?

360
00:15:21,877 --> 00:15:24,053
Oh, I tried to get
The Yearling.

361
00:15:24,097 --> 00:15:26,360
It's about this boy
who becomes

362
00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:29,015
emotionally attached
to a deer.

363
00:15:29,058 --> 00:15:32,105
Oh, my uncle in
Texarkana had the same
thing with a mule.

364
00:15:35,847 --> 00:15:39,547
Why can't I have
a blanket of my own?

365
00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:42,332
Conservation
of body heat.

366
00:15:42,376 --> 00:15:47,076
98 degrees
plus 98 degrees
is 196 degrees.

367
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,643
It doesn't work that way.

368
00:15:48,686 --> 00:15:51,341
You're just saying
196 degrees

369
00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:53,213
so you can get under
the same blanket with me.

370
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:56,868
Are you questioning
a doctor's medical opinion?

371
00:15:56,912 --> 00:15:58,609
What are you doing
with your hands?

372
00:15:58,653 --> 00:15:59,871
Just saluting.

373
00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:04,572
I don't trust you.

374
00:16:04,615 --> 00:16:07,967
You don't trust me?
John Xavier Mclntyre?

375
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,665
In my grammar school,
on graham cracker day,

376
00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:12,275
I was elected crumb boy.

377
00:16:13,581 --> 00:16:15,017
That's silly.

378
00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:21,719
Now I'm gonna lie down
because I'm cold and tired.

379
00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:24,548
You have to promise me,
no hanky-panky.

380
00:16:24,592 --> 00:16:26,724
I haven't even
got a hanky,

381
00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:28,813
and I left my panky
in my other suit.

382
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:39,302
Besides, you have
nothing to worry about.

383
00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:40,390
I'm beat.

384
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:42,088
[sigh]

385
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:44,916
[clatter]

386
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:49,051
Hello, hello, hello.

387
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:52,402
Oh. We, uh, came
in here for supplies,

388
00:16:52,446 --> 00:16:54,187
and a shell hit
and the door jammed.

389
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:55,623
Oh, that's good
for starters.

390
00:16:55,666 --> 00:16:57,625
McIntyre, what's
the meaning of this?

391
00:16:57,668 --> 00:17:00,062
Frank, does paradise
need a meaning?

392
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:01,759
We came in here
for supplies,

393
00:17:01,803 --> 00:17:03,674
and a shell hit
and the door jammed,

394
00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:07,330
and we made 196 degrees,
and that's all there was to it!

395
00:17:07,374 --> 00:17:09,289
Just a trip to the moon
on gossamer wings.

396
00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:11,160
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention.
By order of Colonel Blake--

397
00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:13,075
-Margaret?
-...all personnel will
prepare a survival pack

398
00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:15,077
in case we have
to evacuate.

399
00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:16,687
Evacuate to where?

400
00:17:16,731 --> 00:17:18,646
[explosion]

401
00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:20,691
Now the Book
of the Month Club
will never find me.

402
00:17:29,570 --> 00:17:31,006
Here, Trapper,
you take this bottle.

403
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,182
-Check.
-We better go
in separate trucks.

404
00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:34,488
That way, one of us
will be alive

405
00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:36,490
to care for
our loved ones.

406
00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:38,231
Uh, Major Houlihan claims

407
00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:40,102
that you were a perfect
gentleman at all times

408
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:41,495
in the supply room.

409
00:17:41,538 --> 00:17:43,714
-These enough?
-Yeah.

410
00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:45,890
If we're captured,
we'll eat 'em.

411
00:17:45,934 --> 00:17:48,328
When fear is near,
I want you here.

412
00:17:48,371 --> 00:17:51,461
McIntyre, the future is very
uncertain for all of us.

413
00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:53,376
Now, I want your word
that nothing went on

414
00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:55,030
between you
and Major Houlihan.

415
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,423
Absolutely nothing.

416
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,428
[whispering]

417
00:18:01,471 --> 00:18:02,864
[giggling]
No kidding?

418
00:18:02,907 --> 00:18:04,431
-I heard that!
-What?

419
00:18:04,474 --> 00:18:06,694
Well, I couldn't hear it.
What did you tell Pierce?

420
00:18:06,737 --> 00:18:09,044
Just boy talk.

421
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:11,002
You taking all those
nudist magazines with you?

422
00:18:11,046 --> 00:18:12,439
Yeah, I'm reading
a serial.

423
00:18:12,482 --> 00:18:14,267
It's called
"The Sunburnt Fool."

424
00:18:14,310 --> 00:18:15,616
Terrific.

425
00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:17,313
It's the story of
a woman who smuggles

426
00:18:17,357 --> 00:18:19,750
ten pounds of
pistachio ice cream
out of a nudist camp.

427
00:18:19,794 --> 00:18:21,143
Ooh, that smarts.

428
00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:22,710
You, you...
That's what you are!

429
00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:24,581
What's your rush,
Frank?

430
00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:26,496
The next shell isn't due
for three minutes.

431
00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:34,156
Can't trust these P.X.
clocks for anything.

432
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,681
McIntyre keeps hinting that
something went on, Margaret.

433
00:18:37,725 --> 00:18:41,555
We were exhausted.
We slept. I told you.

434
00:18:41,598 --> 00:18:43,861
Second shift to surgery,
please. Second shift.

435
00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:45,950
How can you wash your hair
at a time like this?

436
00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:47,300
Well, if I'm goin' out,

437
00:18:47,343 --> 00:18:49,215
I'm goin' out
with a clean scalp.

438
00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:51,869
I don't understand
what a woman could see
in that man, anyway.

439
00:18:51,913 --> 00:18:54,176
Egotistical smart aleck.

440
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,613
He didn't even study
medicine in his own state.

441
00:18:56,657 --> 00:19:01,444
Frank, he does have a
certain je ne sais quoi.

442
00:19:01,488 --> 00:19:04,665
I should have known he'd talk
dirty to you in Spanish.

443
00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:08,190
Frank, I've told you
over and over and over!

444
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:10,192
We didn't do anything!

445
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:15,066
Hmm. How far did he get?
First base?

446
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:20,811
Second base?

447
00:19:22,987 --> 00:19:24,946
Home plate?

448
00:19:24,989 --> 00:19:26,948
What difference
does it make?

449
00:19:26,991 --> 00:19:28,993
What am I to you,
anyway?

450
00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:30,256
A beautiful plaything.

451
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:31,735
A romp
on an army blanket.

452
00:19:31,779 --> 00:19:33,998
Oh, that's not true!

453
00:19:34,042 --> 00:19:37,785
We're soul mates. Don't we
listen to Mantovani together?

454
00:19:37,828 --> 00:19:40,918
Don't we both trim
the crusts on our bread?

455
00:19:40,962 --> 00:19:43,573
Remember the morning
when we held hands

456
00:19:43,617 --> 00:19:45,053
and said the Pledge
of Allegiance?

457
00:19:46,446 --> 00:19:49,579
Talk, talk, talk. Talk.

458
00:19:49,623 --> 00:19:51,538
Margaret, I realized

459
00:19:51,581 --> 00:19:55,106
when you were in the
supply room with him...

460
00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:56,586
-how much I love you.
-Hmm.

461
00:19:58,109 --> 00:20:00,068
Margaret...

462
00:20:02,113 --> 00:20:04,638
-I want to marry you.
-[explosion]

463
00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:09,730
-What did you say?
-I said I--

464
00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:11,210
[explosion]

465
00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:14,474
Say it again, Frank.

466
00:20:14,517 --> 00:20:16,215
What? What?

467
00:20:16,258 --> 00:20:18,695
Tell me again what you
said about marriage!

468
00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:20,828
Boy, that last one
was awful close!

469
00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:22,786
I better go see
Colonel Blake!

470
00:20:24,048 --> 00:20:25,441
You weasel!

471
00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:36,844
From Seoul in South Korea,
it's beenThe Bob Hope Show,

472
00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:38,628
with Marilyn Maxwell,
Jerry Colonna,

473
00:20:38,672 --> 00:20:40,282
Les Brown and his
Band of Renown,

474
00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:42,066
and yours truly
Hy Averback.

475
00:20:42,110 --> 00:20:43,764
[audience cheering]

476
00:20:45,722 --> 00:20:55,993
♪♪ ["Chattanooga Choo-Choo"]

477
00:20:56,037 --> 00:20:57,038
What is?

478
00:20:58,822 --> 00:21:00,171
Take it easy, Sanchez.

479
00:21:00,215 --> 00:21:02,130
He's dead?

480
00:21:04,828 --> 00:21:06,482
Klinger! Next patient!

481
00:21:08,528 --> 00:21:10,530
This is Seoul City Sue

482
00:21:10,573 --> 00:21:13,141
bringing you G.I. Joes
your favorite songs

483
00:21:13,184 --> 00:21:14,969
and reminding you
that all your wives
and sweethearts

484
00:21:15,012 --> 00:21:18,320
are being
unfaithful to you.

485
00:21:18,364 --> 00:21:20,322
Not true! Not true!

486
00:21:20,366 --> 00:21:22,368
Don't pay any
attention to her!

487
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:27,329
You know who's romancing
them at home every night?

488
00:21:27,373 --> 00:21:30,158
Every Tom, Dick, and Harry.

489
00:21:30,201 --> 00:21:33,422
There is a Harry
at the country club.

490
00:21:33,466 --> 00:21:36,469
Nah! Lorraine wouldn't
horse around with a busboy.

491
00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:38,819
[explosion]

492
00:21:38,862 --> 00:21:40,516
Take Sue's word for it.

493
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:44,303
Go home, 121st Evac,
MASH 4077.

494
00:21:44,346 --> 00:21:46,479
Go home where
the big money is.

495
00:21:46,522 --> 00:21:48,132
Don't help the imperialistic
forces in Korea.

496
00:21:48,176 --> 00:21:51,048
Another Harry repairs
the golf carts.

497
00:21:53,921 --> 00:21:55,139
Nah!

498
00:21:55,183 --> 00:21:56,793
He got dirty nails,

499
00:21:56,837 --> 00:21:59,666
and he's always digging
one finger in his ear.

500
00:21:59,709 --> 00:22:01,320
I'll be right back,

501
00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:03,365
but first here's
a golden oldie

502
00:22:03,409 --> 00:22:05,454
to remind you of those
wonderful cheating wives

503
00:22:05,498 --> 00:22:07,108
and mothers back home.

504
00:22:07,151 --> 00:22:08,501
Father, will you
ask Radar to get

505
00:22:08,544 --> 00:22:09,937
something else on the box?

506
00:22:09,980 --> 00:22:11,286
Yes, sir.

507
00:22:18,815 --> 00:22:21,427
Oh, jeepers.

508
00:22:21,470 --> 00:22:23,951
Frank, you okay?

509
00:22:23,994 --> 00:22:26,388
I've gotta get
into this chest,

510
00:22:26,432 --> 00:22:27,998
and I don't know
if I can do it.

511
00:22:28,042 --> 00:22:29,391
You can do it.
You've done that before.

512
00:22:29,435 --> 00:22:31,045
Well, I've just got
so much on my mind.

513
00:22:31,088 --> 00:22:32,786
Suction. Frank...

514
00:22:32,829 --> 00:22:35,702
Trapper tried,
but no dice.

515
00:22:35,745 --> 00:22:37,617
He's all yours.

516
00:22:37,660 --> 00:22:40,359
I don't really know what
you're talking about.

517
00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:41,882
All right,
let's move it.

518
00:22:41,925 --> 00:22:43,449
Get cracking. Get gloves.

519
00:22:43,492 --> 00:22:45,276
And I want an anesthetist
over here on the double!

520
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:48,410
-Scalpel, Sanchez.
-Sí, doctor.

521
00:22:48,454 --> 00:22:49,716
[explosions stop]

522
00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:53,546
What's that noise?

523
00:22:54,895 --> 00:22:56,331
Sounds like silence.

524
00:22:59,203 --> 00:23:00,857
Hey, the shelling
stopped.

525
00:23:01,945 --> 00:23:03,077
No more boom-boom?

526
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:04,687
No more boom-boom.

527
00:23:04,731 --> 00:23:06,297
RADAR [blowing into mic]:
Testing.Te--

528
00:23:06,341 --> 00:23:07,864
One, two, three.

529
00:23:07,908 --> 00:23:11,085
Testing, one, two.
[clears throat]

530
00:23:11,128 --> 00:23:12,434
Radar here.

531
00:23:12,478 --> 00:23:14,262
Uh, there's nobody
on the radio now

532
00:23:14,305 --> 00:23:15,785
except Seoul City Sue,
so I figured

533
00:23:15,829 --> 00:23:17,134
I'd keep you entertained
by reading you a letter

534
00:23:17,178 --> 00:23:18,527
from my mom.

535
00:23:18,571 --> 00:23:20,703
Everybody dance.

536
00:23:20,747 --> 00:23:22,966
Here goes. [clears throat]

537
00:23:23,010 --> 00:23:24,446
"Dear son:

538
00:23:24,490 --> 00:23:26,274
"I got your lovely letter.

539
00:23:26,317 --> 00:23:28,537
You certainly asked
a lot of questions."

540
00:23:28,581 --> 00:23:32,106
[clears throat]
"About the car, you may.

541
00:23:32,149 --> 00:23:35,631
"About Jennifer
next door, yes.

542
00:23:35,675 --> 00:23:39,592
"About Eleanor Simon,
she did once or twice,

543
00:23:39,635 --> 00:23:41,115
but not too much."

544
00:23:42,246 --> 00:23:44,727
"About your Uncle Albert,

545
00:23:44,771 --> 00:23:48,252
"Uh, no on drinking.
Yes on A.A.

546
00:23:48,296 --> 00:23:50,559
"About the dog Leon,

547
00:23:50,603 --> 00:23:53,910
"three times in the bedroom,
once under the washer,

548
00:23:53,954 --> 00:23:55,912
and twice on the cat."

549
00:23:55,956 --> 00:23:58,698
[clears throat] Test-testing.

550
00:23:58,741 --> 00:24:01,875
"About the cat, we don't
have one anymore."

551
00:24:01,918 --> 00:24:04,660
Uh, "About your Cousin Ernie,
he's in the--"

552
00:24:04,704 --> 00:24:06,357
[explosion, screaming]

553
00:24:06,401 --> 00:24:08,534
Oh-oh! Here we go again!

554
00:24:08,577 --> 00:24:10,013
Watch out!

555
00:24:10,057 --> 00:24:11,406
Oh, ding bust it,

556
00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:13,016
I wanted to hear
about Cousin Ernie.

557
00:24:13,060 --> 00:24:14,235
[chatter]

558
00:24:14,278 --> 00:24:16,019
Get ready to close.
3-0 silk.

559
00:24:16,063 --> 00:24:17,630
Get the next one ready.

560
00:24:21,198 --> 00:24:22,896
[shouting]

561
00:24:22,939 --> 00:24:25,202
Get a blanket
on the window up there!

562
00:24:25,246 --> 00:24:26,813
[shouting continues]

563
00:24:29,293 --> 00:24:32,296
Okay, you gotta move
with that. Come on.

564
00:24:42,045 --> 00:24:43,438
Major Burns?

565
00:24:43,482 --> 00:24:44,831
Psst.

566
00:24:45,962 --> 00:24:47,442
Major Burns,

567
00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:49,792
don't we have
something to discuss?

568
00:24:49,836 --> 00:24:52,534
Something you asked
me in my tent?

569
00:24:52,578 --> 00:24:53,883
Tell us, Major.

570
00:24:53,927 --> 00:24:55,494
We're his
answering service.

571
00:24:55,537 --> 00:24:57,104
The doctor isn't in.

572
00:24:57,147 --> 00:24:59,672
Leave your name, symptoms,
and credit card number.

573
00:24:59,715 --> 00:25:02,109
Tell him he's not
gonna welch out on it!

574
00:25:05,329 --> 00:25:06,766
-Frank.
-Hmm?

575
00:25:06,809 --> 00:25:08,245
Did you propose?

576
00:25:08,289 --> 00:25:09,682
Figures.

577
00:25:09,725 --> 00:25:11,422
He was afraid he was
gonna lose her to you.

578
00:25:11,466 --> 00:25:14,338
Frank, what kind of
a guy do you think I am?

579
00:25:14,382 --> 00:25:17,167
We're colleagues,
surgeons under the skin,

580
00:25:17,211 --> 00:25:19,213
in mortal combat
with the enemy.

581
00:25:19,256 --> 00:25:20,736
Besides, they'll have
plenty of time together

582
00:25:20,780 --> 00:25:22,346
after you've gone home.

583
00:25:22,390 --> 00:25:24,087
[whimpering]

584
00:25:25,219 --> 00:25:26,568
Care for a little tonic?

585
00:25:35,229 --> 00:25:37,710
♪♪ [theme]